Readers who know me, know that I do not play any sport and know that I am not too active. So I felt difficulties in striking up a conversation with other people, because they always inevitably ask, "what sport do you play?" I can't say none either, because then they ask, "oh yeah? what do you do then?" Whatever response then I come out with will seem lame and make me look like a geek. And god forbid I look like a geek, because I'm cool! Maybe it's time to pick up a sport?
I have come to terms with what I am like, but whenever I meet new people, I try to change that perception of me. Then people think I'm boring and 1-dimensional, then I grow bored, drop the facade. It takes a long time for people to know me on a personal level, and this is why I like to hangout with old friends, and have a difficulty making new friends in the beginning.
And I can't start playing a new sport because I'm afraid of making myself look like a fool... which I'll inevitably do for the first little while playing whatever sport. And quite frankly, I just don't find any of them fun. Plus, (I might just be making excuses for myself) it's hard to start sports at an age so much later than other people, maybe starting to play a sport young would have helped? But I did play sports when I was younger, up to pretty much until grade 9. Even in grade 9 I played badminton. So what's the problem?
I can't answer this question.
I'm afraid I've realized how arrogant and vain I really am. I hold myself in a really high esteem, and as the Chinese would call it -- I have very thin skin. I've even realized I possess certain dark traits. And I masquerade them through trying to appear as a normal functioning citizen of society.
Haha.. those last few lines make me seem like psychopath / serial killer. No, nothing really big or major (arguable by some people), and I do have morals... at least I believe I have strong morals.
Anyways, how did I end up typing all of that? I realized my only motivating factor in life is to blend in with society and seem sociable. Otherwise, I don't really have a desire to do anything.
I mean... I enjoy playing the guitar, but I have no motivation to do better; I enjoy going to the gym only when I'm in a routine, but once I out of my routine, I'm in a rut and nothing motivates me to go back. This ties back to my dislike of sports, and everyone knows physical activity results in endorphins, making people happy. I feel a need to interact with people, but I also dislike talking to people for a long time. It exhausts me. I usually just like to live life in my own little world. Which is why when I'm high (OMG!! YOU DO DRUGS?!?)*, I don't talk at all, or at least, don't want to talk at all -- I'm too busy lost in my own little world. I'm too busy talking to myself (in my head). That's partly the reason why I don't want to smoke weed again. I probably still will... maybe once a year or something of that frequency. V EQUALS LAMBDA F!
*Grow up people, marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. And no, I'm not a junkie or anything (as if you can be a marijuana junkie) I just occasionally "puff-puff-pass".
What a strange blog post. That felt more like a therapy session than stories.
There will most probably be more to come, but they won't be in chronological order -- or in any order really.
Off for now, doing whatever,
Xman/Wayne
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